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A psychologically fragile primate with few senses, subject to erratic emotions, chemically drugged by its anatomy, consequently hallucinating a reality, who’s yet to travel space, understand time, dreams, death and more, believes the universe, this mighty incomprehensible ‘thing’ to be a simulation, an idea stimulated by 21st-century human-made technology. Really?
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While my homeland was anything but silent, John Cage conceived the idea of a ‘Silent Prayer‘ in 1947 – a piece of music called “4’33”,” four minutes and thirty-three seconds with plenty of notes, all of which are silent. It calls for anyone to play any number of instruments yet none. Everything becomes music, tangible or not: a dog barking, a child crying, a vehicle passing, ticking of a clock, the coughs, your memories, the thoughts, and even trying to make sense of it all. It’s all music. It’s all magic. Music of the ‘now’ where nothing happens at random, just like our lives.
It’s been a long time since I wrote something for the blog. I tried. I really did. Downloaded Instagram and Twitter again, brainstormed, tried putting all my thoughts – sometimes pushed by weird intuitive hits as if picking up a stalker’s energy – into words with only my disinterested best friend and a couple of bots in the audience. Nothing helped. I neither had motivation nor a lead, but now, since I’ve moved – not mountains, well not literally – but from the solitary confinement of my room to another part of the world, my heart can’t help but overindulge in the purest feeling we as humans can ever feel: the feeling of gratitude, a distilled form of love, as I call it. As this year ends, it deserves an honorary post for being the best year of my life so far. Bear with me; it’s going to be long and boring.
Recurring prophetic dreams, premonitions, visions, coincidences, synchronicities and all the little strokes of magic since 2017 have been enough to let me know that we are not under control – not me at least. I’m studying a course I didn’t know about at a university I wasn’t aware of, & have come to love them both way more than I expected. No path is set in stone & since we are all living in cycles, right when we are about to close a cycle, a divine judgment happens. Whether or not we like it is based on the karma we carry. Sometimes our world collapses on us, like it did on eccentric Collyer brothers who breathed their last under the heaps of same material they hoarded or turns out to be a blessing out of the blue; the tower moment almost no tarot reader talks about or it won’t help them make money off of your fear. But a philosophical thought experiment called Mary’s Room ponders and I assert – there are fundamental limits to what we know about what we can’t experience. I ran from writing about this on the blog because of ingrained fear of being called irrational or words only a close minded egoist can come up with. Not anymore. These experiences keep my childlike wonder alive. They leave my mouth agape & frankly, I live for these if nothing else. They keep me praying.
Even if we keep metaphysical parlance aside, which I am not allowed to talk about (& will deliberately exclude in the post) except in a book – which might get published one day while I’m in this costume or end up being a diary my great great grand children find out after I’m gone – everyday is a magic. Everything is magic. From the most important events of our lives like birthing a child, a cherished business idea blowing up or trivial day to day things we ignore, like drinking tea in peace as if our existence stems from it, passing clouds, flowing river, blowing wind, a honey bee looking for nectar, playing favourite sport after months or spotting places, animals, things and pointing at them every time as if it’s the first time. But it all just passes by while we are busy looking elsewhere – towards the past we left behind, the future which is yet to come or sideways, if any. The catch however, is that time doesn’t exist. And that is the power of eternally silent now. It is all encompassing : everything, everywhere, all at once, if you will. When you don’t have any destination in mind, no deadlines to meet, no plans, you are left with no alternative but to prioritise the journey & appreciate it in its entirety. Then wherever, whenever you arrive becomes the destination. Whatever happens becomes a prayer. The loud silence overpowers our being & we open our heart in absolute acceptance but it’s easier said than done.
In the beginning of this year, I started losing the sight of a mirage I confused with destination. My soul had given up the attachment with a karmic goal long ago but my ego was latching hard onto it. I couldn’t breathe anymore. “You need a break!” they said. So I applied for a year long program somewhere in India but couldn’t make it because I was too honest during the interview. Woke up one day with ‘rejection is divine protection’ constantly ringing in my head & received my rejection letter that noon. I cried my lungs out, pulled myself back up the next day with residual attachment losing hold of me or me of it. The next thing I know is I was sitting in Scotland. Given the conservative background I come from, it is a big win. Not only for me but all the women to ever have been a part of my family since eternity, with me being the first one to continue doing what she loves the most, that too in a foreign land, all by herself. I never left home alone, taking my first solo flight was magic. Reaching my dorm was magic. Coincidence on coincidence piled up as if God had been waiting to witness it with me. I laughed. I cried. I danced. I thanked the people I met on the way, some of whom I’m still in touch with. They came out of nowhere when I needed help, at the airport, the bus stops, the carousels, the dorm & helped me when I least expected without taking anything in return. For me, it was divine shifting shapes to lead me where He wanted. But most of all, I found out a million things I never knew I was capable of.
As I settled, reality started kicking in. I missed my family, magic again, I thought I didn’t have that bone in me even though my mother is on call with me for at least 3-4/16 hours everyday. Magically, I began painting again after years, read just one book (shocking!), wrote very few blog posts this year and realised that life does change overnight sometimes, that sometimes decades do happen in weeks while nothing happened in decades, that we do cry for a drop when an entire ocean is reserved for us, that we as humans do have infinite potential & that the universe is pregnant with limitless possibilities, not just metaphorically but in reality. That these quotes which flood our social media timelines aren’t a hoax. Neville Goddard must be smiling in another dimension reading this. But most importantly, I learnt that real magic happens when we surrender. Not partially but completely, with all we have. When we let this life unfold like a delicately crafted mystical ancient scroll & welcome everything as it comes. When everything apart from the consciousness drops & ceases to become a resistance to experience. In my life, NOTHING (not even small things) goes as planned & ever since I’ve stopped planning, everything goes as it should.
Not even once did I feel alone except when I got sick, really sick. I was rubbing my feet on the bed at dawn, unable to sleep while my parents consoled me on FaceTime, thanks to the ‘time’ gap. Magic again, isn’t it? The way this earth moves around the sun & will do for as long as our sun doesn’t grow up only to collapse on itself. These time zones based on its apparent movement make no sense to me. If you have to send a thought to anyone, you don’t need to check time. Just think of them, send that wireless message with love in your heart, the kind only you are capable of and if you both click, they’ll catch it too, no matter where they are in the universe. I learnt tarot from a brilliant reader in December, 2021. Turns out we all have psychic abilities, what unlocks them is how well we work on our shadow, trauma, patterns and unlearning all that has been programmed into us since lifetimes. As the veil falls off, our life doesn’t remain the same. Before becoming her student, I was her client and the first thing she predicted was that I’ll pursue higher studies with my then spiritual cycle ending at a cold, silent place where it snows and the next, that I was not on the right career path. I didn’t believe it. Rather rejected it outrightly.
I practiced tarot for four months straight until energies started getting heavy on me or the ones I did it for and I had to drop it completely. The cards come with angelic spirits attached to them, they spoke to me like a long lost best friend. They helped me and others heal. The most difficult part of growth is admitting your mistakes. And boy what a fun ride it was! If I and many others can see, hear, smell, touch, taste things before they manifest in physical reality, it means that what we think about reality is only partial truth. Based on what I have experienced, I believe, all of it has already happened and is still happening. There are infinite parallel realities, multiple dimensions and with inner work we can jump them. I don’t know about the whole star-seed thing which is very popular these days but I believe souls can travel and it will be ignorant of us to believe we are the only ones in the universe. There are others still, I don’t know what they call themselves but if you come across anyone who looks down upon mother earth and any of her child, animal or plant, and calls it serpentine or any other derogatory word these morons use while trying to tell how they are some higher beings here to help us lowly beings – run, as fast as you can. Universe is bound by only one thread, the one of love. It has no differentiation. For her, everyone’s an equal. It isn’t plagued with illusion of separation like us, let alone this bullshit. They fume me but faith in Karma which has an eye on them as much as you and me, is my biggest consolation. Went off topic. The point is that you and me are just drops of water floating on a wave. We think we are under control, we are not. Asserting any kind of control is foolish for it is friction in disguise. An anomaly in beautifully written musical notes for our life.
Anyway, eventually in March I had an epiphany just like a ‘pure’ vegetarian realises that eating fries at a non-vegetarian restaurant means eating something which has been fried in the same oil used to fry chicken wings. I was eating a lie. Poor analogy but you get the point. I left the past where it belonged & began staying in the moment, radically. I preached it earlier but dwindled in practice. But this time, I had no choice. What she predicted started taking shape & I was just witnessing. For the first time in my life, I didn’t try to take control of the situation or tweak it my way. Whenever I did, tower moment awaited me until I surrendered again. I didn’t even see any picture or read any information about my university, Scotland, UK, student life and anything related because of the fear of getting attached & making castles in the air. Every time I do that, God makes it a point to snatch it & detach me from it. A lesson in not wishing for anything can only be learnt the hard way, I suppose. I make no wishes, I ask for nothing except Himself. He runs the world but in my world, I trick Him into loving me more than I love Him. So even if He does something which pushes me to the edge – despite an intrinsic awareness that it’s all pre-written – I know He has something better in store. Sometimes, something better is just a spiritual lesson, often hard for human self with small ‘s’ to learn but of huge importance to our evolution as a soul.
From the process of application to completing my first semester, it happened itself & I floated through it. The town where I live is magic. We experience all seasons in a single day. It’s tiny & silent despite all the hustle and bustle because of students from across the world. The sea, the kelp smelling like dead rats on it, dogs trying to chase waves, the moonrise I witnessed during a walk which made me sob like a baby was all magic. The history of this place is magic. Before coming here, I didn’t know anything about Scotland except that it is in the UK. Surprisingly, I did post a picture of unicorns on my Instagram once and captioned that I’ll settle in a country which has unicorns as their national animal because they must be my kind of people. Guess what? Unicorns are Scotland’s national animal. To my friends’ irritation, I can’t help but elaborate my retirement plans when we go for a walk after dinner. One of them absolutely hates it & it’s hilarious. But a place with bountiful nature & silence like this one, sends you into a trance without you noticing. And you wish for nowhere else but some place like this to grow old in despite feeling nihilistic 24×7 without sunshine. It’s magic. Beginning my studies again was magic, learning to do the laundry was magic, making Indian tea for the first time after 2 months and realising how obsessive I am about cleanliness was magic, watching all rigid myths I believed about humans get debunked slowly was magic. It was all magic.
As this year ends, I bow in gratitude to all the forces in this universe, living or not who worked with me, for me & in me. I’m nothing. Nothing at all without you. Thank you for holding me tight. This fearlessness comes from the cosmic love you spoil me silly with. I often said “I don’t know where my life is going” with remorse but now “I ACTUALLY don’t know where my life is going” and I have no qualms about it. Always having wanted to be in the public or social service sector, I am at a foetal stage in understanding about the corporate sector. I don’t have the money bone in me, so finding something I really want to work on is very important for me right now for I won’t be able to work on something that doesn’t inspire me, even for a day. Still, learning to live in the now without worrying about anything other than the now, has been the biggest lesson taught by the master miracle worker. Beginning 2023 with an understanding that freedom & longing go together like expansion & contraction of our chest when we breathe. Freedom from every old version of me which longed for freedom. Longing for every new version of me which is built on this newfound freedom without abusing it. Yet, with an awareness that nothing is under my control. I’m not the doer. To live magic, you need to believe it. To hear the silence speak, you have to be open to listening what it has to say. Logic should not take more space in your head than necessary for solving some math & science problems. Don’t pollute your life with it. My life has no place for logic. Don’t build walls around yourself. Set yourself free & let it unfold. Everything is possible. Everything. It’s all here, already. In the now. Just stop coming in your own way. I hope in 2023, we all remember to live & breathe magic. It is everywhere. Just be open to it. For every step you take is home as zen buddhists believe & every experience you have, a musical note in the grand scheme of silent universe adding to the eternal song.
we have done it
Trista Mateer
waded through another impossible year
stared failure in the face and cruelty too
we did not always plan to make it but look at us
survivors nonetheless
Happy New Year!
Love,
P
🎵: Today’s strings attached.
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