To Aim for Aimlessness

What is your mission?

Yours truly staring at Dubai Frame as if waiting for the picture to appear just like chapters to appear in the ‘life-time omnibus’.

§

My beloved Thich Nhat Hanh, the revered Vietnamese Buddhist monk, says in his book ‘Your True Home’: ‘There is a Buddhist teaching that might seem strange to you. This is the teaching of aimlessness (apranihita in Sanskrit). Aimlessness means not setting an object or goal in front of you and running after it. That is exactly what everybody does. We want this, we want that, and as long as we haven’t got it, we think happiness will be impossible.

We must bring about a revolution in our thinking: we must stop. We must do as the flower does. The flower is aware of the fact that it contains everything within it, the whole cosmos, and it does not try to become something else. It is the same for you. You have God within you, so you do not have to look for God.’

Ever since I moved on from the only dream I ever had – becoming an Indian Foreign Service Officer – I’ve never had anything to pinpoint which I wish to work towards except an overarching theme of being a healer. I was tired after years of battle with depression & couldn’t take life anymore. For the record, I still have 8 years and 5 on 6 attempts left to take it again but I know for certain that it’s not for me! Isn’t it weird how we easily move on from something we were so certain about at one point in time (albeit, with time)? When I took the exam, it felt as if some weight had been lifted off me rather than happy that it would take me closer to my dream. Slowly, as I reflected I realised that the dream had become an attachment instead of something I genuinely loved & wanted to live doing. It had become more about the title and clearing it because of insane amount of pressure I felt from the surroundings rather than serving the country. The sacrifices I made seemed to be a waste but as I sat back & stared at the abyss, the answers started coming into light. Truth always comes to the surface regardless of how hard and deep you try to push it down. I decided to completely give it up & my life started changing in ways I couldn’t imagine. It was pure magic. It was as if some rust had been removed from the wheel of my life & minds of those around me were being operated by some divine force working in my favour.

It took loads of letting go of ego, academic validation I sought, unapologetic woolgathering, & impartially surrendering to the unknown, trusting divine will blindly, staring at the horizon, witnessing without anticipation, and finally, becoming ‘aimless’ – if you will. Having been the most ambitious person I’ve ever known since childhood till 2018, it’s rather amusing to write this. My teachers or fellow students would never believe it but ‘people change!’, that’s all I can say. I wrote about the unplanned journey here & here. Rest of the blog has musings from the time before that for you to peruse. Now, I’ve completed the best chapter of my life yet & flown back home. It feels as if I floated through it & have been doing the same after it too, but I don’t mind. The life has been way more rewarding than what it would’ve been had it gone the way I wanted for reasons I don’t wish to bother myself with, at least in today’s politically charged climate. Whatever comes by itself & is accepted with gratitude is always more in alignment than something we keep chasing or working towards without will or love. I want to be aimless until the aim becomes apparent & I become the object of my aim instead. Trust me, it happens. I want my work to be my worship, not a poison I take drop by drop everyday till the day I can’t.

Until then, here’s to patiently waiting for the aim to find me as I sit back & work on transcending the self which is nothing but an imposter to unearth the boundlessly receptive Self which will welcome it with open arms.

Love,

P

P.S.- Props to my friend, The Unseen Manifestor for sharing the quote above. It is a perfect articulation of a lesson life has taught me over the years.

P.P.S.- Watch out for my short story collection & an oracle deck which are still in the works & slowly taking shape. Grateful!

🎵: Today’s Strings Attached is a lovely song I found recently.

Copyright©️primusing